How Authenticity and Vulnerability Pay Off and Help You Win Personally and Professionally

An Interview With Maria Angelova in Authority Magazine

This “interview” exemplifies the artificial intelligence concept that a machine can ask questions and intelligent answers will follow. In this case, the questions are pointless, my answers are personal, and the interview reads like something out of a bad science fiction.

The result is a disconnect between the interviewer—who does not really exist because all the questions were prewritten—and my answers, which exceed the questions. In that context, artificial intelligence is only as intelligent as the strategy it represents.

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Being vulnerable and authentic are some of today’s popular buzzwords. It may seem counterintuitive to be vulnerable, as many of us have been taught to project an air of confidence, be a boss, and act like we know everything. In Brené Brown’s words, “vulnerability takes courage.” So is vulnerability a strength or a weakness? Can someone be authentic without being vulnerable? How can being authentic and vulnerable help someone grow both personally and professionally? In this interview series, we are talking to business leaders, mental health professionals and business and life coaches who can share stories and examples of “How Authenticity and Vulnerability Pay Off and Help You Win Personally and Professionally.” As a part of this series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Lincoln Stoller.

Lincoln grew up in the 1960s in an affluent New York City suburb. Effectively an only child in a rootless generation, he first searched for answers in authentic communication and then, when that didn’t work, he turned to physics, neurology, religion, and psychology. He continues his studies in the sciences while building a private practice as a psychotherapist in British Columbia, Canada. He has two sons, two ex-wives, one cat, and is committed to building a house somewhere in the woods.

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This interview appears in Authority Magazine.

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Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we start, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?

Some of my childhood influences were Jerry Lewis, Dean Martin, and the Marx Brothers. I liked humor, but I lived in frustration. It’s not that I felt misunderstood, rather I felt a lack of communication. It was as if everyone was reading from a script. The real world was dominated by slapstick behavior, but it was not funny. I could not understand everyone’s absence and indifference, and this made me angry.

I grew up in an artistic family. My family members expressed themselves indirectly through symbols, but at least they expressed themselves. Outside my family, I saw frustrations that were not productive or progressive. While I was still an adolescent, I came to believe people were unaware and unreflective.

Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?

I saw a quote I believe was from Marcus Garvey — at least it’s typical of Marcus Garvey — that said, “The amount of shit you get is determined by the amount that you’ll put up with.” When I first saw this, I told it to my fellow graduate students, and they were horrified. They comprised a ‌complacent and defeated bunch. Garvey’s statement pertains to situations we should not agree to tolerate. It was said with regard to racism, in particular.

A lack of clear, honest communication, which I find typical of all cultures, means that each of us must defend our interpretations. We must be proactive in establishing boundaries and expectations. When we allow ourselves to be taken advantage of, we set in motion a cascade of disadvantages that get out of hand.

Most of my therapy clients struggle with disadvantages and misunderstandings rooted in their communications and expectations. The vulnerabilities these create are exploited by people around them. They also create behaviors my clients’ rationalize, which others see as unfair.

The quote is an admonition for clear boundaries and self-respect. In our society of unclear boundaries and low self-esteem, understanding vulnerability is important.

Is there a particular book, podcast, or film that made a significant impact on you? Can you share a story or explain why it resonated with you so much?

I like stories about confusion and surprise. Stories that turn your expectations upside down. Kevin Spacey in The Usual Suspects was a movie in which the entire plot was a believable fabrication that becomes completely undone.

This reflects what we do ourselves, much of the time. Even when we’re trying to be truthful, we’re still working to convince ourselves of some story. The truth of any story — if there is any truth at all — exists only on certain levels. On other levels these stories are questionable, or they’re simple false. We might call these stories paradoxes or fabrications. It is a challenge to see them in a productive light.

Two of the greatest stories are “I love you” and “things make sense.” We see these endlessly represented in art and life. I obsess about these things. I refuse to stop loving people as long as I feel some part of them is lovable, and I refuse to accept a nonsensical world even though physics shows the world is not sensible. I admit I don’t understand either of these things. This paradoxical attitude is useful for both science and therapy.

Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion. Let’s begin with a definition of terms so that each of us and our readers are on the same page. What exactly does being authentic mean?

I feel authenticity means striving to recognize one’s ignorance. There is ignorance in both what we know and how we communicate. We presume enough to take action in the immediate situation, but rarely have insight beyond.

Authenticity means recognizing the narrow circle of light in which we’re operating, and recognizing how subjective our thoughts and feelings are. It means recognizing your limitations and striving to express yourself; striving to be better understood.

Authenticity is a more useful concept than honesty because it allows us our subjectivity. It’s a matter of how hard we’re trying. No one can disprove our authenticity. Because of this, being authentic gives you more responsibility than being honest. You may not know the truth, but you know if you’re authentic.

What does being vulnerable mean? Can you explain?

Vulnerability can mean many things. Two important vulnerabilities are intellectual and emotional vulnerability. To be intellectually vulnerable means you are open to learning new skills. It should not mean you are open to injury by being ‌wrong. To be emotionally vulnerable means you are open to feeling differently. It should not mean you are open to emotional injury.

The belief that vulnerability means being open to injury rests on guilt and low self-esteem. People whose sense of value is tied to their ideas cannot afford to expose those ideas to scrutiny. To do so could lead to a body-mind injury. This is a matter of an ungrounded sense of self, not of some inherent danger in allowing one’s character to evolve.

To confuse these aspects of vulnerability is to mistake growth and change for threat and danger. A person with a balanced sense of self will not interpret vulnerability as a threat to their sense of well-being.

People born into privilege, and who root their identity in Christianity, are liable to equate privilege with guilt and confuse vulnerability with absolution. A popular idea in affluent, White culture is that affluent White people need to atone for the privileges they’ve inherited. This is an alien concept to Indigenous culture.

There may be some reason behind this — there always is — but the underlying motivation is emotional. The redemptive actions to which these reasons lead are more symbolic than substantive. I do not find this attitude of vulnerability among my Black or Indigenous friends. As with any attitude, people are happy to adopt it if it makes them feel good.

What are the positive aspects of being authentic and vulnerable? Can you give a story or example to explain what you mean?

Being vulnerable to change, growth, and novelty are ‌good things. One has to be careful about how you learn. Real danger can teach lessons quickly, but not always successfully. Injury is not a safe means of learning, but we often take the risk. Our dangerous habits can injure us beyond our expectations. As a therapist, I often help people out of a nosedive that I try to recast as a learning opportunity.

Steven Weinberg, a famous physicist (Weinberg, 1993), was one of my teachers. He was quite arrogant but also intellectually vulnerable. He was superior in his attitude toward students, but he was entirely open and accepting regarding problems in his domain. He would entertain any informed suggestion regarding the problems he was working on.

Weinberg could maintain this because he was treated with deference within academia. He behaved like royalty. If he lived in the business world rather than the academic world, he would have been more aggressive and defensive.

I was impressed by Steve’s combination of intellectual power and interest in other ideas. He privately regretted he was not more creative, but he wouldn’t tolerate ideas that threatened the formalism of which he was a master. When confronted with divergent ideas, he is reputed to have acted in an underhanded and unprofessional manner (Perelman, 2008, pp. 183–88).

Being vulnerable in the sense of being open to novelty makes you better informed. Rather than defending your identity you’re willing to invite alternatives. You’re willing to consider that you’ve been mis-educated, lack sensitivity, or are out of shape. This does not mean you are vulnerable to injury, exploitation, or illness, as you still enforce those boundaries. This kind of vulnerability is a strength few people have.

Are there negative aspects to authenticity and vulnerability? Can you give a story or example to explain what you mean?

Unmanaged vulnerability lacks discernment, boundaries, or protection. But regardless of how vigilantly we protect ourselves, the lessons we need have a habit of presenting themselves. Inayat Khan, the Sufi philosopher, said, “God breaks the heart again and again until it stays open.” By which he meant that being heartbroken is be a blessing if it leads to greater sensitivity. The challenge is to remain open-hearted despite the indifference of others.

A person learns to master emotions by experiencing them fully. In heartbreak one experiences real loss. In that, one sees love fully. If you can appreciate that, then you can be both joyful and heartbroken. The joy is what you can create in yourself. The heartbreak is what you get from loving others who cannot open themselves deeply.

It’s important to recognize situations where authenticity is not reciprocated or respected. If you make yourself available for others to use for their own purposes, then you are likely to be exploited. But that is not a problem of being too open, it’s a problem of letting yourself be exploited. I have found that only by overstepping my own limits have I learned what lies beyond them. Because I’ve been there, I can help people lost in those areas even if I’m still lost there myself.

From your experience or perspective, what are some of the common barriers that hold someone back from being authentic and vulnerable?

People are held back by fear. Fear disguises itself under layers of resistance. We build fear into our personalities and our boundaries. We rationalize fears in the same way we rationalize our behavior. We justify our fears because we’ve built our identity on them and depend on them in order to be accepted by others. Social relationships and cultural structures depend on shared hopes and common fears.

You won’t see other people’s fear when you first transgress their boundaries. You’ll encounter affront, entitlement, arrogance, or reproach. When you transgress with TMI (too much information) — which is the usual rejection when you are too authentic — you will be seen as the offender and put to ridicule.

I am a perpetual offender because I don’t accept conventional truths. When I was a physics student, I would pursue points I felt were important and insufficiently explained. This got me a reputation as a trouble-maker and I was rebuked, humiliated, or punished. My mistake was not that I was too authentic, it was being unprepared to defend myself. Questionable concepts lie at the base of all theories and most techniques, but few will admit it.

It is a mistake to think intellectual people are not guided by their emotions, or that emotional people don’t create rational justifications. People will do whatever it takes to defend the beliefs and constructions in which they are invested, and on which they base their lives.

You can make your dysfunctional patterns vulnerable to examination and rejection. Disturbing one’s dysfunctional patterns is threatening but necessary if you want to improve. A different vulnerability involves exposing your hopes and plans. This kind of vulnerability can be engaging, enlightening, and immediately rewarding.

Here is the central question of our discussion. What are five ways that being authentic and vulnerable pay off, and help you win, both personally and professionally?

Authenticity enables you to see errors sooner. These can be errors of misunderstandings or failures in one’s products. Failing is a necessity for learning and progress, and the sooner the better. Whenever you feel pressed or in a hurry — choosing a highway exit or a marriage partner — you’ll fail to some degree. It’s only a question of when and what you’ll learn from it.

Vulnerability to new ideas and emotions invites opportunities. Balanced authenticity does not open itself to distress, injury, or dysregulation. Distress arises when your coping strategies are threatened.

When managed within one’s boundaries, vulnerability is a consideration of alternatives. When misunderstood as guilt or weakness, vulnerability is a fracture of one’s spirit. Brené Brown, a psychologist who has built her career on the benefits of vulnerability, does not explore this distinction. Her audience is working from unrecognized guilt. For them, vulnerability is a means of absolution. In contrast, spiritual vulnerability carries no risk.

Authenticity attracts those who aspire to it. The challenge for an authentic person is dealing with the majority who aren’t. These people may be creative and progressive within their circle, but offering authenticity outside of that realm will be threatening and will create hostility.

Seeing people for who they are is a valuable skill. The Covid-19 pandemic fractured families and communities, separating groups with different definitions of authenticity. This has opened many people’s eyes to our superficial assumptions.

Being authentic does not imply truth or honesty. If we can value people for being authentic, even when they cannot be truthful or honest, then we can find grounds for engagement. If you are nonjudgemental, then you may be rewarded with authenticity, but if you insist on truth or honesty, you’ll be disappointed. Authenticity can be a first step toward introspection.

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be?

Patience and effort. I encourage people to be authentic without expecting them to comply. People change when they’re ready. Personal, family, and cultural legacies cloud people’s thinking, hijack their emotions, and obscure their authenticity. Being ready to change is more a state of spiritual clarity than an intellectual resolution.

The first thing you learn as a therapist is how little power you have. Poor therapists might think they can do a large amount of good for many people. For myself, I simply keep throwing sand under the spinning wheels of other people’s confusion. When they regain traction, they’ll pull themselves out of the ditch.

You’d be amazed at how deeply stuck some people have become. It’s a chilling thought that we may also be stuck, and our efforts to enlighten ourselves may be ineffective. It’s questions like this that we need to be vulnerable to.

Is there a person in the world whom you would love to have lunch with, and why? Maybe we can tag them and see what happens!

I’d like Bernie Siegle to write a preface to my new book “Instant Enlightenment: Awakening States of Mind.” If you could reach him, that would be helpful.

How can our readers follow you online?

My projects and products are on my website: https://www.mindstrengthbalance.com

My blog has both free and paid tiers:

Subscribe and receive a digital copy of The Learning Project: Rites of Passage.

Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!

References

Perelman , C. C. (2008). Is Ethics in Science an Oxymoron?, in M. L. Corredoiria and C. C. Perelman (Eds), Against the Tide, A critical review by scientists of how physics and astronomy get done. Retrieved from: https://philsci-archive.pitt.edu/4046/1/againsttide.pdf

Weinberg, S. (1993). The first three minutes: A modern view of the origin of the universe. Basic Books.

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About The Interviewer: Maria Angelova, MBA is a disruptor, author, motivational speaker, body-mind expert, Pilates teacher and founder and CEO of Rebellious Intl. As a disruptor, Maria is on a mission to change the face of the wellness industry by shifting the self-care mindset for consumers and providers alike. As a mind-body coach, Maria’s superpower is alignment which helps clients create a strong body and a calm mind so they can live a life of freedom, happiness and fulfillment. Prior to founding Rebellious Intl, Maria was a Finance Director and a professional with 17+ years of progressive corporate experience in the Telecommunications, Finance, and Insurance industries. Born in Bulgaria, Maria moved to the United States in 1992. She graduated summa cum laude from both Georgia State University (MBA, Finance) and the University of Georgia (BBA, Finance). Maria’s favorite job is being a mom. Maria enjoys learning, coaching, creating authentic connections, working out, Latin dancing, traveling, and spending time with her tribe. To contact Maria, email her at angelova@rebellious-intl.com. To schedule a free consultation, click here.