Join a Better Circus

Assuming a new identity and starting with a fresh life might be the solution.

“Just like the evolution of the circus from one ring to three, business organizations are constantly adding more metaphorical elephants, lion tamers and, of course, clowns.”
— William Bouffard, from You Can Only Run Away and Join the Circus if the Circus Wants You

Helping

There is a big difference between helping and healing. Helping relieves pain, copes with situations, and provides satisfaction. Healing confronts pain, changes situations, and looks beyond satisfaction. Aiming to help people is a mistake.

People ask if I would “be a good fit” for their situation. A “good fit” is exactly what they don’t need, because, unless they’ve had a change of heart, their current situation has resulted from their previous “good fit” decisions. 

Few are ready to recognize their flawed judgment. That’s why they’re seeking help. The good-fit person they’re looking for is the person who can justify their contradictions. Relationships built on “you’re just the person I’ve been looking for” rarely work out. Dr. Goodbar cannot help you.

Counseling is about recognizing flawed judgments. There’s not much more to it. Even if your problem is medical, even if you need intervention—crutches, sutures, or pharmaceuticals—it’s still you who play a major role in the healing. So why aren’t you on the path to healing now? That’s the problem.

Satisfying

The paradox of happiness is that what you want is a prelude to what you’ve got. If you think that means that you got what you deserve, then you might respond, “But what I want is health, and what I’ve got is illness!” Or, “What I want is love, but what I’ve got is anger!”

I do not mean you deserve what you’ve got, but that you’ve created what you’ve got. This leads to two questions. 

• To what extent did you create the situation? 

• And, what have you done that caused the problem?

The question you would rather ask is, “What was my mistake?” To that question, there is no answer because you did not make a mistake; you are the mistake. The error is in who you are and not in some decision you’ve made. It’s not your logic that needs to change, it’s how you define yourself.

This brings the focus back to the primary questions. Are these problems significant, and are they the result of errors in execution?

Most people who seek counseling answer both questions in the affirmative. They feel the problems are significant, and the mistakes they’ve made were in execution. In other words, they’re looking for a technical answer to a spiritual question. 

If you’re going to offer counseling help in this regard, the outcome is guaranteed: you’ll fail. If you’re seeking counseling to this end, you’ll also fail. There are no right answers to the wrong questions.

---

---

Map Reading

Counselors say this about themselves:

• “Ashley is passionate about helping people…”

• “Elena believes everyone deserves assistance and validation…”

• “Kaitlin’s job is to help her clients feel comfortable…”

• “Sarah focuses on helping people navigate career, life, and everyday obstacles…”

I don’t mean to sound sexist, but these are actual quotes, and most counselors are women.

To help a person navigate, you direct them on a map. They provide the map and you help with directions. But if they’ve got the wrong map, then they’re guaranteed to arrive at the wrong destination.

The problem is not with navigation, it’s with the map. Most of our problems result from people’s mistakes in seeing the world and themselves. Most of the time, we’ve got the wrong map.

“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.”
— Lao Tzu

Realizing that you’re using the wrong map is uncomfortable because the map is your personality. It’s not something that cost $5 at the gas station, it’s your life.

How can you feel comfortable about having a worthless map without feeling worthless? Most people can’t, which is why most people want help in reading the map they’ve got.

I have clients who are falling apart, clients coping with someone else who’s falling apart, and clients who are building a life in which they hope no one falls apart. In each case, my clients are navigating using a map.

I don’t care about the map. I don’t care about the strategy. I’m concerned with the sense of value.

I can give advice, and that’s mostly what people like to hear, but my advice is mostly a stalling exercise. In some cases, I might see some blatant contradictions. People commonly try to fool themselves or others. 

Most of my advice is cheerleading, encouraging a client to move further on their path. I read their map and interpret the relationships. We explore the notion of commitment. I often feel like I'm leading a horse to water. 

I take what my clients present in the spirit of unconditional positive disregard. I don’t give a shit what their map says they should be or do. 

I remind them that each person has the potential to play a positive and creative role, and that inevitably means going off the map. I tell them to turn their maps over and see things from a different perspective. 

Self-Worth

I’m waiting for my clients to expose themselves. I’m waiting for them to reveal their insecurities, not their navigational ability. A weak sense of self worth is the root of most life problems. 

People don’t want their problems solved, they want their situations changed. They see their lives as they see their jobs; they want to quit.

It’s ironic that self-confidence is the source of creativity and motivation. Without confidence in oneself, life is pointless. With it, even the most pointless life is valuable.

I’m connected to each person’s value in being alive, and I try to show this to them. I’m not giving directions, solving problems, or resolving confusion. I used to do that as a management consultant, and it was surprising how few people actually cared.

When I was programming business systems, my most involved client had a personal stake in his work. I didn’t know why financial accounting meant so much to him, but what I later learned made sense. For him, financial accounting was more than a job. My work rebuilding his books kept him out of jail.

This is how we’re encouraged to think: do your job, save your money, and then retire. But what does one retire to if you never had a sense of value in the first place? 

My programming client’s sense of value rested on manipulation and misdirection, things that added vibrance to a meaningless role as the Chief Financial Officer. But, like most high-risk pursuits, it eventually caught up with him.

The Power to Be Yourself

As my son informed me yesterday, May 4th was Star Wars day. Star Wars day reflects the underlying importance of “the force” in Western culture. It’s important because we don’t have it. “It,” or “the force,” is an indefatigable sense of self-worth that’s not based on barter or presentation. To have force is to have a real effect on the world. 

Quite a few people who cannot find a positive role chose a negative one, such as my CFO client. “May the fourth be with you” is a happy reminder of our search for meaning.

What would you do for a successful person who is trying to build a meaningful future? What would you do for a person who’s told they have only 3 months to live? What would you say to a person whose partner died because of an accident they were responsible for? Would you tell them to look on the bright side?

They may have made some choices that are not working out as planned. These problems may or may not have been avoidable. They may have solutions, but even if they do, there will be other, similar problems. I can’t solve them all. I can’t solve any of them. 

What I can do is build self worth. I am sure that each person could do something notable and positive if they found their courage and applied their resources. Everybody has resources. Courage is a lot harder to find. It always means going off the map.

In essence, I’m encouraging everyone to join the circus. I don’t mean to abandon your commitments; I mean, add something new and creative. 

This is why I’m anti-institutional. Institutions create averages: average outcomes and average people. You can’t have self-confidence if you see yourself as average because you are replaceable. You only have value when you take the risk of being different.