“Trust is like love. Both parties have to feel it before it really exists.”
— Simon Sinek
Last week, a journalist solicited my opinions on male friendships. With disdain for what psychologists say, I responded based on my experience in mountaineering.
Question: Considering your mountaineering experiences in both male-male and male-female relationships, could you share insights into the emotional dynamics?
I see more differences than commonalities. When I was most active in the 1970s and 80s, women were not common in high-risk sports. Risk was macho, except there were no women around to impress. I felt many of these men were trying to prove themselves. Few were really interested in advancing the sport. I was in the former group.
More gender inclusion has occurred over the last 50 years, but white men still predominate in the higher risk sports. Men seem to be more prone to recklessness, regimentation, and technology. In these contexts, emotion is limited to encouragement and support is intellectual.
Women introduced emotional support in climbing through the creation of the Climbers Grief Fund, a group that operates within the American Alpine Club. The group mostly consists of women therapists. I am a volunteer.
Emotional support could be offered more generally. I have been suggesting to climbing groups that grace rather than difficulty should be a focus in climbing. In the public forum, my suggestion meets with stony silence, but privately a surprising number of people have come to me for support, particularly because I raised this issue.
There is a trend toward integrating emotional and physical strength, and this trend is not publicly recognized. The climbers who have come to me for counseling are not emotionally weak. As a group, they are high-performers but they climb recreationally, not professionally. The celebrities of the sport are recognized only for their physical strength, and the climbing venues continue to focus on physical strength only.
Question: How do you perceive the emotional depth and communication in male-male climbing relationships compared to other types of friendships?
Climbing relationships are both introverted and extroverted. Climbers struggle with their own limitations, but the public sees only the spectacle. There is no recognition of the role of emotions or relationship.
Athletes are known for their accomplishments. Magazines showcase the individual, rarely the partnerships, and never the relationships. What would be the social implication of baseball cards that showcased player relationships rather than individual players?
The introverted side concerns itself with challenge and meaning. The challenge is measuring yourself against nature. Meaning refers to the reward you feel from physical engagement, regardless of the outcome. I think men and women view these differently.
Question: What misconceptions do people have about the dynamics of male friendships in high-risk situations?
The social meme of the daring risk-taker is a school-yard fallacy. Team sports foster the image of the sports hero. This adolescent image is endorsed in adults who have not grown up. People’s internal motives are not so easily described.
When I was rock climbing, the climbers who were pushing the limits were gymnastic and strategic. They focused on achievement and avoided celebrity. In addition to advancing their skills, they were also defining the sport.
I’ve always been uncomfortable with risk and felt the high-risk sports were mentally unbalanced. Rock climbing, which looks high risk, is not when done carefully. Climbing partnerships focus on safety, and their emotional aspect centers on vitality.
Climbing can be done recklessly, and as you might expect, this aspect fascinates the public. This reflects people’s general cowardice in their own lives, and the illusion that to have courage is reckless.
People who climb without a rope would normally be seen as stupid, but over the last 50 years, they have been cast as role models. This seems similar to how we view circus acrobats, or gladiators in ancient Rome. In both cases, the acrobats and gladiators are not who we imagine them to be.
The hero is made into an object, and these objects don’t have meaningful friendships. They represent something both unattainable and somewhat unwelcome. We see this in the myth of the survivor, the creator, and the warrior whose ideals are sterile.
The personalities of adventurers I’ve known have a protected aspect. The sensitive hero stereotype has truth, but it’s difficult to see. I suspect male and female heroes feel differently, with women being more emotionally present and men less so. My emotional sharing experiences have primarily been with men.
Outside of sports, my intimate relations with women have not satisfied my criteria for trust. I would say, as male climbers have said to me, “I wish my relationship with my wife could be as good as my relationship with my climbing partners.”
Question: What is the role of non-verbal communication in fostering emotional connections?
I think little of verbal communication. Words serve well in focused, well-defined situations but poorly for emotional expression. Shared experiences are better for conveying emotion. I believe that’s one of the attractions of sex as a form of sharing, but it often fails to meet its potential because of a lack of trust.
In climbing, most sharing is wordless. There is some strategizing and planning, but most of that is done ahead of time. Connection is established through feedback and consideration of the experience. And where sex might lack trust, climbing is full of trust. There is trust in yourself and your partner, but the central and unshakable trust is in nature: you can trust that nature makes no judgment and seeks no advantage. You can trust the mountain implicitly as it has no personal investment in you or your life. Trust is the glue for emotional relationships.
This is gender-free. Better relationships develop on trust rather than convenience. Many of my therapy clients are developing themselves through their relationships, and their relationships can bring them together with their partners. I tell my clients, “The problems you are having are perfectly suited to the skills you're trying to develop.”
“Trust is the antidote that overcomes fear – and fear is the greatest inhibitor of all to a relationship that welcomes and nurtures new ideas.”
— John Pepper, Disney Chairman
Question: How do you balance intellectual and emotional support with your male clients and mountaineering partners?
There is a therapeutic technique called “affect bridge” in which the therapist works to evoke an emotional connection between a present and past circumstance. I do this with whatever resources my client provides. If they have climbing experiences, then all the better, but that’s unusual. Mostly, I make use of my broad background to connect my clients’ different areas of experience.
Emotions are the foundation of your personality. People who are emotionally available are more able to change. Most people cannot easily get in touch with their emotions. They may be sociable and extroverted, but their honest emotions remain undisclosed.
In my work, I build emotional connections through the direct but uncertain path of honesty. People are often defensive or even hostile in those areas that feel of highest risk, and their inclination is to be defensive. As they say, “Truth is the first casualty of war,” and so it is also in conflict.
I’m now working with a client who is in a perennial state of fear. Not only does this person see malice in everyone, but they cannot see their own inability to see the truth, as the illusion of insight is one of the pillars of self-faith. High-risk sports give us an immediate sense of reality that demands we have faith in ourselves. As fear is directed outward, there is a new space for self-trust.
I find men welcome direct honesty more than women. Women are inclined to a more nuanced honesty in keeping with how women are socially trained to view themselves in Western culture. This socially taught, limited self-image works against individuality.
I want to trigger my clients in a way that makes it clear these triggers are theirs. I am playing the role in therapy that the mountain plays in climbing. I want to focus my client’s resources and prevent them from bypassing their emotions.
Question: How can men improve their emotional connections with other men?
The emotional openness that high-risk situations foster is one of their attractions. People who collaborate under risk forge stronger emotional bonds. But it would be useful if we could develop equally strong connections with less risk. This would involve a more inward focus, measured decisions, and a variety of acceptable outcomes. These requirements run counter to what we find in high-risk situations.
I’m trying to start conversations about balance and reward among climbers. Real value cannot depend on constantly pushing yourself beyond your limit. I’ve been unsuccessful in starting these conversations in public. But I have gotten several therapy clients because of making public presentations. It seems there is a private willingness to focus on value rather than achievement.
Question: How do emotional connections in challenging environments contribute to resilience?
Climbing has improved my ability to remain calm and think clearly. These essential qualities support reflection and longer-term thinking. I don’t think it’s made me think more quickly, but it has inclined me to think more deeply.
One of my initiatives is to encourage people who have mastered high-risk challenges to recognize their leadership qualities. Rather than continue to struggle and compete, I’d like accomplished people to teach others these skills.
To some extent, this involves supportive relationships which depend on recognizing and valuing authenticity. Maintaining trustworthy relationships build your trust in yourself.
“The glue that holds all relationships together—including the relationship between the leader and the led—is trust, and trust is based on integrity.”
— Brian Tracy, self-development coach
Question: What advice would you give to men struggling for emotional expression in their relationships?
The key therapeutic ingredients are courage, patience, honesty, and commitment. I apply these to all problems and I try to bring them to everyone’s attention. I keep these in mind in all my work.
The attraction of extreme sports is strong and unambiguous feedback. Tests yourself, if that’s what it takes to gain trust in yourself, but don’t get habituated on risk-taking. Grace is the object, not achievement.
“The highest form a civilization can reach is correctly trusting one another.”
— Charlie Munger, investor
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