Therapists, Friends, Lovers, and Beyond ($)

Are these boundaries good and helpful? Do you believe them?

“The only way to have a friend is to be one.”
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’m concerned about our confusing relationships. It’s seen as a good thing when friends are promoted to lovers or intimates, but a bad thing when it goes in the other direction. Therapists are taught to stay within their boundaries and avoid becoming friends or intimates.

In the end, we’re left with little latitude, few options, and many people who don’t agree. I’m reminded of the common explanation for aircraft accidents. It’s never the rules; it’s always “pilot error.”

Friends

A friend can become a therapist, or a sort of therapist, but for an intimate to become a therapist borders on sick, at least I think so. What are these categories, and why are they so incompatible? Some of our relationship problems reside less in the relationships we make than the categories we put them in. First to define them.

Friends—and I’m talking about deep friendships, not acquaintances, social media followers, or colleagues—share emotional trust and responsibility. Friends expect and demand reciprocation and tolerance. You can impose stress and demand a hearing from your friends, and you’re expected to tolerate and even welcome the demands they make of you.

The bonds of friendship grow stronger by your giving or sacrificing for them, while acquaintances typically grow when gifts are received. A substantial sacrifice for a casual friend is inappropriate. Being too forward can damage the relationship, unless it is a token of love. But in that case, it’s not friendship that’s being offered, it’s intimacy.

Most defining of friendship is a shared knowledge of the boundaries. Friends are expected not to exercise disregard, indifference, or emotional harm, and if they do accidentally, they’re expected to be remorseful.

Friends know and preserve what’s sacred to you. They do not have secret affairs with your parents, partners, or children, though they can with your siblings or cousins. In fact, friends often have affairs with each other’s brothers or sisters, but we only accept secrecy when it’s protective, not exploitative.

Lovers

“To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world.”
— Dr. Seuss

A good relationship between lovers is hard to define because most love relationships fail. This is almost a shock to recognize, but it’s certainly true. If you define a lovers’ relationship as both loving and sexual, then few of such relationships progress to the level of successful, stable, and enduring.

Two unusual things happen when we fully open ourselves to another: we manifest our best and our worst aspects, and we often can’t control either. Relationships dominated by the light are not a problem, but we also don’t gain an understanding of them. I’ve found only superficial explanations of successful relationships. Positive spiritual bonds don’t lend themselves to analysis.

Similarly, nowhere in my studies, ceremonies, research, or experience have I found an insightful explanation of people’s dark sides. I have seen darkness in my lovers, but it was never explained or explored. Even in couples counseling, I have not experienced, taught, or been encouraged to explore another person’s dark side. Similar to the light, the dark also does not lend itself to analysis.

Few loving, sexual relationships fall back to deep friendships. I might have seen this in one former couple, but I can’t be sure, since the kind of questions I would ask are not socially appropriate. I have not experienced this transition in any of my own lovers. The ashes of burned romantic bridges are not fertile.

I regret the loss of lovers and the loss of deep friendships. It makes me wonder if we really had a deep, foundational friendship to begin with. A deep, personal rejection leaves little option other than a breaking off of relations.

Friendship has a boundary that excludes intimacy. Going from friendship to intimacy is an unmistakable transition. To unilaterally break an intimate connection is a demotion that excludes the trust and reciprocation friendship demands. Breaking intimacy seems to doom a friendship to an acquaintance of sealed secrets.

“Experts on romance say for a happy marriage there has to be more than a passionate love. For a lasting union, they insist, there must be a genuine liking for each other.
Which, in my book, is a good definition for friendship.”
— Marilyn Monroe

I know some people who have engineered a shift away from intimacy that preserved a measure of friendship. But even in those situations—when the loss of intimacy is mutually agreed on—what results is a strained family relationship, not a friendship. I’ll talk about family relationships last.

Therapists

We therapists are taught not to become friends, lovers, or intimates. There are obviously good reasons for this, as well as some unconvincing ones. As is typical of teaching—which differs from learning—many therapists who are taught this lesson don’t learn it. I’m against teaching when it comes at the expense of learning, but that’s another story.

The therapy relationship is not reciprocal. Like a doctor, the therapist provides a service and does not ask for service in return. Therapists are expected to give within limits, and be rewarded in a fashion that doesn’t compromise the outcome. Cost is up front, and it’s expected that money is all the therapist requires. Everything else should be optional, even commitment can’t be expected.

The notion of value is key, and cost is just a variable in the equation. As long as you’re getting value, counseling can make progress. If value becomes negative, therapy is counterproductive.

Although it isn’t made clear, the therapeutic relationship does support a level of intimacy, but it’s a clear, guided, and controlled sort of intimacy. I’ve watched many videos of therapists with clients, and the best therapists have a clear sense of leading their clients to more intimate levels of connection and self-exposure.

Masterful therapists are amazing to watch. Virginia Satir was a master of moving to appropriate intimacy, and you can see her in action in this introductory YouTube video titled “Virginia Satir The Essence of Change”:

If you’d like to consider your relationships and what they mean to you. Call me for a discovery call. Book a time on my calendar, and I’ll send you a zoom link. It’s free.

https://www.mindstrengthbalance.com/schedule15

Intimacy