“Thankfulness may consist merely of words. Gratitude is shown in acts.”
— Henri Frederic Amiel (1821-1881), poet and philosopher
Gratitude is a combination of things, primarily two: a thought and an emotion. We experience deep gratitude emotionally, but we explain it intellectually. Intellectual explanations of emotions amount to rationalizations and, in most cases, they are a fraud.
By fraud I mean these explanations are misdirecting and self-serving. Our explanations of love, anger, insult, and gratitude are primarily means of justifying ourselves. In these explanations, we talk about ourselves to prove our authenticity.
We rarely sermonize because we know that neither we nor our audience knows what we’re talking about. We explain emotions to justify our actions and sanctify our intentions. As the saying goes, “No one cares what you think until they feel that you care.”
Gratitude Can Be Rational
Intellectualizing serves many purposes, and it serves important purposes when it comes to gratitude, but it is not a fair or accurate means of understanding the emotion. By intellectualizing we can distinguish two types of gratitude: selfish and selfless.
Intellect is the orchard of language, and in it grow pearls of wit and sometimes wisdom. Without language we’d be left to grunt, fawn, beg, and fight to express ourselves. Such demonstrations are often refreshingly direct, but that’s only because we spend most of our efforts being detached, ambiguous, and obscure. But no matter how well we craft our expression, our intellects direct us, they do not feed us. You can eat words, but you cannot survive on them.
Gratitude Can Be Selfish
Selfish gratitude is needy. You are grateful for what you’re getting. It’s contingent and dependent. You will express yourself as being grateful for what you have, or for the support you’re getting. There’s nothing wrong with this. It’s neither deceptive nor manipulative, but it can be used in these ways.
Selfish gratitude affirms the conjoined role you and others play collectively, and this is a good thing. But self gratitude can also be threatening or defensive. It can easily be taken as contingent upon continued support. It may not be clearly expressed in this way, but its interpretation is ambiguous.
Selfish gratitude is contractual. Like a well-crafted contract, it has defenses and conditions. I remember telling my partner that I was not so much grateful for her as I was grateful for our family. And while this was a poorly worded expression of the larger emotion, there was truth to it. I did have a focus on the family that presumed her playing a part in it.
She did not have the same conviction, as it turned out. My expression of gratitude for the family could have been a way for us to communicate our feelings but, as is often the case, people who don’t share your sense of gratitude have little to contribute. Selfish gratitude, as the name suggests, revolves mostly around yourself.
Gratitude as Support
Gratitude offered with appreciation asks for no reward. This is something that’s already complete and does not look to the future. And while gratitude so offered feels nourishing it can also feel empty. If you thank your parents for the genes they’ve passed on to you, or to your friends for what they’ve done for you in the past, are you really appreciating an aspect of another person’s intention or simply the good fortune of circumstance?
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